Divorce and the Holidays: An Opportunity for New Beginnings

It is well-documented that the holiday season can be tough for many people. Mix divorce into the holiday festivities, and things can go sideways. That can be downright difficult, painful, and isolating, if not paralyzing – all of which is compounded for those with children. 

Holidays can trigger painful memories or reminders of how different your life and family gatherings once were. The holidays can be long and lonely, especially if friends, neighbors, and extended family are busy with their traditions and family gatherings – especially if you’re not included. Thankfully, it doesn’t have to be this way. With the right tools and support, approaching the holidays while divorcing or newly divorced can be an opportunity for reflection, giving back, and even new traditions

According to Dr. Barbara Greenberg, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, “The holidays are tearing the separated and divorced apart in ways that they never expected or planned. Not only are they dealing with overwhelming feelings of loss, betrayal, anger, sadness, and fear, but they also have to make important decisions for their children.”

First, it’s crucial to understand perception vs. reality. Social media and advertising portray a picture-perfect idealization of the holidays. The reality can be very different, regardless of your marital status. The holidays can trigger many conflicting factors, including family dysfunction, political differences, travel, and other tensions. 

As a separated or divorced person, it is easy to look at the holidays and assume everyone else is experiencing the ideal holiday, but this isn’t the case. Yes, divorce will change how the holidays are celebrated, but FOMO (fear of missing out) is not helping you to move forward and reshape how you optimistically approach the holidays. Do not worry about what others are doing or thinking; focus instead on yourself and your children. What’s best for you this holiday season? What’s best for your children? And remember, perfect families are an illusion!

Chances are you will be alone at some point during the holiday season. How do you cope with this? The proper support, tools, and expectations can help guide you through this challenging period.

Take time to acknowledge your emotions as the holiday season approaches. In anticipation of the accompanying challenges, lean on your close family, friends, therapist, and support groups. With your support system, recognize your feelings and fears. Make a plan for how you will get through the holidays while establishing resilience, healthy attitudes, and even new traditions that will help carry you forward.

Whether you are separated, newly divorced, or have been divorced for years, it’s never too early to anticipate and plan for the holidays. If you have children and it’s your year off, make plans with the people important to you who make you feel safe and comfortable. 

If this is not an option, consider scheduling something purposeful. Perhaps it’s serving a family meal at a homeless shelter or making pies for families with food insecurities. Line up some home projects like cleaning out closets or painting a room. The possibilities are endless. Studies have shown volunteering and being productive helps to get out of your head and provides purpose and direction when you feel lost or alone. 

None of these options appeal to or work for you? Then, the holidays are a perfect time to begin a new tradition. Let’s say it’s your ex’s turn with the children and it’s the same for your single friend. Perhaps plan a pilgrimage to an exotic place. Or have fun cooking an elaborate meal for the two of you.

Do you have your children, but it’s new to you as a single parent? Start a new tradition. Reach out to extended family you may not have been able to connect with in the past. Or, make a new plan with your kids to be away, cook different foods, or celebrate creatively. Involve your kids with the planning and have fun with it. New traditions can evolve out of challenging times. 

Self-care is essential during this stressful time. Engage in activities that comfort you, such as being outdoors, walking, watching favorite movies, and reading. Avoid unhealthy soothing patterns, such as excessive drinking, compulsive shopping, overeating, and overdosing on social media.

The holidays can be a big trigger for separated, divorced, and newly divorced people. The key is to “own” your holidays. It’s a wonderful opportunity to make them exactly what you want. Move away from what you think the holidays are supposed to look like and focus on what’s important to you and healthy for your children. And remember, each holiday will get easier as the years go by and new traditions become old friends.

Do you want to explore additional tactics and strategies for coping with the holidays? Please contact me for a complimentary session. I understand firsthand how difficult the holiday season can be. With the right support, perspective, and planning, it gets easier each holiday season and can become quite enjoyable with new traditions. I call that empowered divorce.