Divorce Mediation: Is it Right for You?

You’ve decided on divorce. And now, important decisions need to be made on the approach you and your spouse will take to get there. Friends and family will give you many recommendations, including mediation, citing it will be cheaper, quicker, and save you the headache of lawyers, trials, and judges. Your first reaction may be, sure, why not save money and take an amicable, more streamlined approach? But before jumping into that decision, it’s important to understand the pros and cons to mediation and when it’s time to pivot to another approach.

What is mediation?

Divorce mediation is a collaborative process for couples seeking an efficient, cost-effective, and low-conflict divorce. The mediator is a neutral third-party professional (many times an attorney) who helps keeps couples focused on fair, equitable division of assets, custody arrangements, and alimony/child support. It allows the individuals getting divorced to be more in control of the outcome and may ease tension post-divorce, especially with co-parenting.

When does it work?

Mediation typically works when the decision to divorce is mutual. It is important that you and your ex are equally motivated to come to a fair agreement and buy in to the concept of equitable division. In addition, you both need to be upfront and transparent about everything, especially assets. There needs to be an absence of bullying and dominance, both physically and emotionally. And, even with a pending divorce, you can still communicate amicably with one another and can work through things in a civil way.

When doesn’t it work?

Realistically, mediation will not work if you can’t even imagine sitting in the same room with your ex and communicating freely and amicably. Also, any dynamics present in the marriage will continue, maybe even more strongly, in the divorce process. So, if there is any power imbalance, contention, bullying, or deceit, mediation is unlikely to work. Equally important, if one or both of you don’t believe in equitable division, then mediation is a waste of time and money. For example, I had a client whose spouse believed he was entitled to more equity in their vacation home and wouldn’t budge. With that mindset, mediation is doomed to fail. In addition, if either of you do not feel confident that there has been full and honest disclosure of all financial assets, then mediation will not be favorable to both parties.

Must Do’s If You Mediate

If you do decide to go the mediation route, it’s important that you and your ex both hire your own lawyers. While these lawyers play a lesser role in the overall divorce process, it is critical that they review the final separation agreement before it’s signed and filled with the court to ensure it is in your best interest and will hold up in court. In addition, if mediation fails, you will already have a legal advocate that is familiar with your case, so you are not starting from scratch.

When To Call Mediation Quits

I have seen several clients go down the mediation path in the hopes of saving money and remaining amicable, only to fail at both. When both goals falter, it’s time to reevaluate and most likely shift gears. While mediation can be cost effective, if it is dragged out because of lack of transparency, unwillingness to participate, refusal to produce required documents, or disbelief in equitable division, then the costs can really begin to add up. If you went into mediation amicably but tensions are now heating up, that’s another tell-tale sign to go the individual lawyer route, where your own lawyer can advocate and represent you without the stress of face-to-face, on-going negations with your ex.

And remember, I always recommend my clients initially talk with divorce lawyers about all your options before you approach any divorce method. It is critical to have a legal proponent in your corner throughout the entire process, regardless of if you mediate or not.

Divorce is a journey that typically take many twists and turns. You need to be prepared to change direction as needed to keep the divorce process moving forward. Mediation can be a viable part of the journey, but it’s important to understand the realities of the mediation process and if it’s right for you. And you must be willing to try a different approach if you are “stuck” in the mediation gear with not a lot of positive progress forward. As a divorce coach, I provide an experienced, educated outside perspective to my clients and help them navigate shifting gears when it’s time, empowering them to make the best decisions for optimal post-divorce outcomes. That’s what I called empowered divorce.

Note: Always talk with a lawyer about divorce options that are best for you.